By Michelle Nguyen
The Voice takes you through the ten male prototypes you’ll encounter at Harvard.
1. The One Who’s a Virgin
You can’t swing a purse in Harvard Yard without hitting a virgin Harvard male. He comes in all shapes and sizes (pun fully intended). Even some very eligible-seeming bros belong here –they probably spent high school hitting the stacks instead of the sack– although they tend to migrate out of this zone really fast during their freshman year. He has the potential of becoming a great boyfriend, if you’re willing to put in the time and effort to get over the initial awkwardness. *Accidentally* hooking up with a virgin always makes for great Sunday brunch stories though, so there’s the silver lining.
2. The One Who Will Stay a Virgin
Another classic Harvard category. It’s astounding how a place so small can hold so many socially awkward and sexually frustrated young people. It’s very easy to spot this one. He seems awkward. He walks awkward. He is awkward. He probably also lives in Lamont and packs his stuff in a carry-on during Finals season. He might also have red hair. Bless his heart, though. He could invent a social networking site one day and all the arrogant bitches of Harvard who ignored him (you included) can cry themselves to sleep at night.
3. The One Who Would Be King
You know, the kid who harbored presidential ambitions when everyone else was dreaming about chocolate and cartoon characters and stuff. He is most likely a tall, well-dressed Government major from the south who frequents the Institute of Politics as often as the rest of us mortals do Berryline. You might be charmed by his composure and drive, but like anything else in his life, the ladies that he dates must all serve the Grand Plan. I’m Asian and foreign (Communist, even), so I never even tried. But if you want to, just google “Jackie Kennedy” for a good role model. Or Marilyn Monroe. It’s all a matter of preference.
4. The One Who Would Die Trying To Be King
Prior to Harvard, he friends all 1,600+ classmates on Facebook. During Freshman Week, he hands out business cards that say “49th President of the United States” in gold embossed letterings. He’ll run for the Undergraduate Council. He’ll probably also spearhead a stupid anti-something campaign to get his name in a Crimson headline. He’s not to be confused with boys from the first category who are usually reticent about their ambitions and (thus) might actually make it happen. By junior year, he becomes an easy target for cruel dining hall jokes. But who are we kidding? We all go to Harvard and about a third of your classmates hold some kind of presidential-type ambition.
5. The One Who’s Gay
“If he’s too good to be true, he probably isn’t” goes the saying in Sex and the City. At Harvard, my saying is that “every guy is gay until proven otherwise.” The Harvard homosexual guy is well-dressed, charming, good-looking, smart and gets you. He’s all that a girl can ever hope for in someone to produce double legacy children with. Except that it’s physiologically impossible. Unless you drug him or something. But I personally am all about consent. Also beware of the one who’s in the closet. There are quite a few of them, even in the People’s Republic of Cambridge. Do you really want to be the one he dates before coming out as gay?
6. The One Who Knows Everything
He got into Harvard because he’s a genius. He has a perfect GPA and standardized test scores. He makes Phi Beta Kappa. He’ll graduate with high honors. You should make friends with him –it’s actually nice to know someone who knows things, but I’m not sure about pursuing a romantic relationship with him. Maybe it’s a personal thing, but I’ve always thought of the encyclopedia type as asexual. There’s also that guy who actually is asexual. He’s more interested in making friends with his lab RAs and experimenting on mice than getting to know you.
7. The One Who Lives in His Sweatpants
(Unless it’s punch season, then he lives in a suit and bow tie and reverse baseball cap.)
With 41 Division I varsity teams, Harvard has quite a number of athletes. He’s easy to spot since he’s so big and walks funny. It’s very likely that he majors in Economics or Sociology. It’s also very likely that he’s attractive, so much so he doesn’t seem to belong on the Harvard campus.
The bro spends his freshman year with fellow bros on the team, taking the same classes, eating together, and crashing the same sketchy dorm parties. Then, he becomes a sophomore, joins a final club and mingles with bros from other teams. It’s all very testosterone-heavy and homoerotic, really. Especially when you think about some water sport teams where the boys spend most of their time together in very little clothing. Hmmmm.
It’s easy to wiggle your way into the pants of the bro (so long as you’re not clothed and he’s not sober). It’s much harder – if impossible – to wiggle your way into his heart. The competition is stiff and often scantily-clad, what with sorority girls and other girls and even more girls from the Greater Boston Area (see: The Harvard Hoochies). He probably doesn’t know how to date girls anyway.
8. The One Who Loves Himself
I’m not talking about the act of loving himself –which is perfectly fine, unless you’re a Dorm Crew worker cleaning his bathroom. A member of this species is the apple of his parents’ eyes. He stares at his reflection on the back of his iPhone and flashes a megawatt smile at himself. He spends hours every day wondering why he’s so damn perfect. He plucks his eyebrows. He gets what he wants. He forgets to grow up. He might be into you, but ultimately, he always loves himself more.
(Image: The Winklevi, courtesy of Google Images)
9. The One Who’s Nice and Finishes Last
He’s your friend. Close friend, even. He walks you to class and listens as you whine over a failed weekend and a failed LS1a exam and a failed (almost) romance with X athlete on the Y team in the Z final club. He doesn’t try to take advantage of you when you’re drunk and vulnerable. He probably has a crush on you. You probably know it, too. But for some reasons you always go for the Harvard jerks who will break your heart. Which brings us to…
10. The One Who Breaks Your Heart
He’s perfect. He’s tall, handsome, athletic, charming, and obviously intelligent. He probably has a rich-sounding last name (like something with a hyphen or a Harvard Residential House in it). He sweeps you off your feet, then rips your heart out and drops it like a piece of rock. He also gets smoother and douchier as he gets older. But no matter, you find his arrogance and douchiness attractive anyway. He’s hot property, and he knows it. So he is very committed to playing the field, at least until his love handles start to develop and his hair falls out. The protocol is never to get attached, but very few can manage this. (Much as we love to tell ourselves otherwise.)
10+1. The One Who’s Actually Perfect
There are about five of them, and they’re all in a relationship. When you do find one who’s single, you get so nervous that you fuck up your chances anyway. You then get to go back to ignoring the nice guy and chasing after the douche. Let’s face it, girl: You, too, go to Harvard and therefore have a thousand of issues and insecurities. Like 99.99% of these boys, you’re also a little nutty. There’s a reason romance (almost) doesn’t exist on this campus. But here’s to hoping, anyway.